Your Miscarriage Matters
“If it’s going to happen, there’s nothing you can do to stop it”. What do you mean there’s nothing I can do. This is my child we’re talking about here; my job is to do anything and everything I can possibly do to stop it. We had just barely came down from the high of finding out that we were going to become parents…now you’re telling me to go home and wait to find out if the child I had already begun picturing in my arms would ever come to be?
I went home. I googled everything on miscarriage I could possibly think of that might give me some reassuring hope that this little seven week pregnancy wasn’t coming to end. Fail.
I called my mom…”Lay on the couch with your feet up” she said. Omg…seriously? If only it were that easy.
I cried myself to sleep as the pain and bleeding worsened through the night. I wondered what exactly I was waiting for, and what would I do when it came.
And when it was all finally over, I felt like I went through hell.
If you’ve been there, you know…we’re all afraid to talk about it, but it needs to be said. Everything around us tells us to move on, it happens all the time, at least you weren’t further along…But coming through a miscarriage is not a little thing. It needs to be said. We. Are. Devastated.
So let’s put it out there: I am broken-hearted and afraid.
1) I am afraid to risk another pregnancy because now I realize the huge loss involved. Yes, I have already bonded with this baby. My heart exploded with excitement for my child the moment the faint line of the pregnancy test came through positive. I had already pictured where I would be nine months from now, what vacation we would be on, what holiday would be her first, what family event I would be taking her to. I already began my name list on my iPhone; I’ve already subscribed to baby center to know that my baby is the size of a poppy seed; and downloaded every app I could to track this journey into motherhood. And I get constant reminders from these apps on a daily basis that kick me in the gut as I reluctantly turn off each notification.
2) It was painful and scary. Not just emotionally, but physically. When was the pain too much? How much bleeding is normal? I didn’t know if I should go to the hospital. Even if I did, how do I go to the hospital when I can’t even get off of the toilet?
3) I’m afraid to get pregnant again. I know that when I am pregnant again I will literally be afraid to move for fear that the baby might fall out. I will analyze each and every twinge and wonder if I will have to go through this all over again. How many times will I have to go through this? How many times CAN I go through this?
4) I am so hurt at other people’s reaction to my baby’s passing. Next time, do I even tell people I’m pregnant? When should I tell people I’m pregnant? Should I hide my next pregnancy as long as I can? Because I’m just not sure I can handle it when people hear of my loss and downplay it as if I just lost my favorite pair of socks in the dryer…after all, I can try again next time…
5) I am terrified that my body is not able to carry a healthy pregnancy. Because even though I am afraid to conceive again, the thing I have learned from my miscarriage is that my capacity to love a child, even the tiniest child, is great and I am afraid I might never get to be a mom.
We Need to Begin Talking About Miscarriage
Someone needs to say it. Because when we begin to talk about it, we begin to see that the struggle we endured was real. That this little life did exist, that it is perfectly normal for us to mourn this loss, and perfectly understandable to be scared – we are not alone. And when we begin to talk about it, then we can begin to heal.
Have you recently experienced a miscarriage or have you been struggling with multiple miscarriages? You are not alone, and your pain is real. Come join us for a three-week session where you can openly share in the struggle and emotions with mothers who have walked a similar path. Meet with our midwives and nutritionist for a question and answer session to have an open dialogue about your legitimate concerns and worries as well as how we as mothers can prepare our minds and bodies for future pregnancies. For more information, contact Holly Roller, GriefCare leader @ (908) 509-1284 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.